My Story
I want to share with you my story. A story which I never told you. A story of hope and overcoming, which I hope will bless you.
My Story
I had a normal child hood up to the age of roughly about 9, I really don’t remember the exact age but I do remember of a day, back then, as clearly as if it was yesterday. Mom and I were standing at the balcony of our apartment, it was evening, and it was twilight. As we were looking on, we saw a funeral procession passing in front of us, on the street below. I was curious about what was happening. Until then I knew not of death in my immediate family, the ones who had died, died either before I was born or when I was an infant. So in either case I had not seen death. The funeral procession had a man’s body being carried by four other men and there was a crowd following them, all of them were chanting religious words. I asked my mom about what was happening. She told me that the person had died and explained to me what death was. Those people were going to cremate the body of the person who had died. She further concluded that everyone had to die some day. Suddenly to me it was as if she was implying to me that I too was going die someday and I did not want to die. I cried and cried, she tried to comfort me but in vain. Unlike others who would have given an explanation, which they themselves were not sure, my mom simply told me the truth, that she could not give any explanation as to why people had to die. Something clicked within me which would shape my conscience in the years to follow. I became over the years, more and more arrogant, self centered, and rebellious because I had started to embrace a belief that if I was going to die, I might as well live for myself, to the fullest. At the same time when I was going through my schooling, my family was changing too. My brother who was also going through a lot of his own hurts, that’s when he started to hurt me (beating me, swearing at me etc.). There would be constant fights at home. There would be hardly any days at home without fights. So none of these things were helping me either to be better person.
By the age of seventeen, the damage was done. I became conformed to my surroundings, I became loud, self centered, a liar, a manipulator, a gossip, boastful, arrogant and religious (religion can be an excellent facade for people, to cover up there sinful inner self). I had got myself entangled in to habits, which did enchain me for a long time. I had so much of hurt within me which I was not consciously aware of, but the hurts were dormant undercurrents, which I had to deal with at later stages in my life. So in short I was messed up. I had no family to turn to, except my mom (to whom I could not tell, everything that I was going through), my dad was never there, he was either busy at work or busy with politics, my brother and I had drifted apart and I had no true friend, no one. I was alive but dead on the inside. My grand mother brought philosophy in my life, she spoke with conviction, but her life was contrary to what she preached, she lied, she stole, she was as sinner like me. By this time I had read books on religion, gone to religious discourses but they all seemed empty. They tickled the my philosophical bone but did not answer my inner need.
It was in this backdrop that I saw two movies which would be instrumental changing my life. They were Ben Hur and Ten commandments. In a scene in Ben Hur (which is a fiction) Jesus gives Judah Ben Hur some water to drink when he is thirsty, as I watched that scene I felt that Jesus was giving water to me. Then when I saw the Ten commandments, in it, I saw an awesome Holy God, who was unlike the gods I used worship. For in the stories I had read and heard, the gods, I then worshiped, lied, cheated, etc. just like me. So asked my mom if I could borrow her bible, she had one, which was gifted to her by some Christian at her wedding. Since it was in the Old King James English, “thee, thou, saith” I found it difficult to understand so gave up on it. I was in the 12Th grade then, since I was fairing bad in my studies, so my parents engaged a tutor a professor from my college. At the same time, I was also doing a workshop on effectiveness, Landmark Forum, part of the workshop was to enroll people for the next one; I tried to enroll Jude for the workshop. He said he did not need it, he said he knew God. He knew God! No one I knew claimed that, not even my grandmother. They knew about God through books and gurus but none claimed to know God.
He narrated to me a story, about a Holy God who did not tolerate sin, just God who would punish all those who committed sin, yet a loving God who did not want anyone to perish (go to hell). He spoke of a righteous, just God who was loving too. He spoke of a God who could not be confined to a building, who could not be appeased by offerings, penance, fasting or religiosity. In God’s eyes we all were sinners, like sheep gone astray, lost in they own ways. We were filling the emptiness of God in our lives with religion and religious activity. He further added that the true and living God to whom we will give an account someday of the life, we lived on earth, would have to punish us for our transgressions even though He loves us. The Punishment would be an eternal one because though we are mortal in our bodies we are spirits and spirits don’t die.
God so loved us that he made a provision, a way of escape. One that meets His righteous judgement and mercy too. Since we are like our parents and all of mankind has sinned, as sheep beget sheep, sinners beget sinners. So God came down as man, born of a virgin, not born of man, hence not a sinner, lived a life on earth was tempted in every way as we are, yet did not commit any sin. He did not seek to establish any new religious system. Eternal God, suffering of sins of the world that did not care to know Him. His name was Jesus (God is my salvation) Christ (the anointed One). Jesus died physically and rose again on the third day. So our sins are paid by God’s provision.
When I heard this, it moved me, I knew he was telling the truth, I wanted to know God. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I did not change to another religion, and I did not change my name but allowed God to change my heart. I repented and asked God for forgiveness. I was born again, this time not physically but spiritually.
Since, September 22nd 1987, God started his work in my life, the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I stopped swearing at people, lying was not a lifestyle anymore, I started to face the consequences of telling the truth. It has not been easy following God, it was easier being religious, but it’s not easy being righteous. God’s standards are much higher than man’s but Jesus Christ met that standard. Now I walk by the grace of God, which He provides by his Spirit. I have an eternal perspective of things now. I am not perfect; I am God’s work in progress. I am going to heaven, not because I am better than anyone but because I accepted God’s provision. I know where I am going when this life is over, I hope you do to. We are not called to live aimlessly and die someday. The Bible says death came through sin and sin through one (Adam) but life came through Jesus Christ.
I prayed a prayer similar to this, it’s not a formula prayer but will guide you in praying. It’s between you and your maker.
“Dear God, I am sinner, I don’t know you. I come to you through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I ask for your forgiveness and accept you as my Lord. I choose to follow you and not man made gods. Forgive me for all my sins including idol worship. I receive your forgiveness by faith. In Jesus name I pray. Amen (so be it).”
If you have made a prayer on lines of that, be assured God has heard you. For all those who call on the name of God will be saved. Prayer is very much like talking to someone we know. Bring your self and your situations to God and seek his will.
Much have I gone through, even rough times, sorrows and joys. So many wonderful things God has done, I haven’t been faithful at times but He has been faithful all throughout. The habits, hurts and memories which I had, had to be dealt by God. Today I stand forgiven and loved by God, I am an over comer. I forgave all those who hurt me and move beyond that to loving them.
My mom accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior before she died. God answered her, through me, the very question she could not answer me, when I was a child. I hope you come to know God and his provision Jesus Christ, the only way to Salvation.
In closing here is a short poem which I had written years ago:
Colours of life are not always bright,
there are shades of grey both dark and light.
Who can fathom what each stroke means,
until and unless the whole canvas is seen.
Paint on me Lord, as you please,
make me Lord, your masterpiece.
God bless,
Vivek
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